Carving our own David
“Do you think I'm going to waste time sorting through the vomit on your pages?”
Our statistics professor was standing on a podium in front of our class, smirking. I felt the tension rising in me, gripping my throat, my thoughts started racing. I felt ashamed.
I had just failed the most important exam of my studies. The one exam to which I fully dedicated myself for a whole semester.
This experience was both soul-crushing and life-changing. Why life-changing? Because it kindled a fire in me that I didn’t know existed. It brought me on a journey of rediscovering my self-worth, of learning to persevere and letting go of a life to please others.
In her commencement speech at Harvard, Joanne K. Rowling talks about the benefits of failure. She explains how painful it was to pick up the shards of her short-lived marriage as a single-mother without a job. But how this failure was crucial for her own soul’s journey: "Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged."
Whatever failure looks like for you, my experience is that failure purifies. Failure exposes us and makes visible who we really are. In moments of failure there is no hiding. Failure frees us of the urge to impress others. It is pointless to look for applause in the dark.
Rowling said that failure was freeing her as it “meant stripping away the inessential”. Michelangelo, the creator of one of the greatest pieces of art, the David in Florence, said something similar: “The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there, I just have to chisel away the superfluous.”
Putting these two ideas together I believe we all have a David inside of us that needs to be revealed. There is strength and beauty in us that needs to come out. We have to remove the inessential.
But how?
By getting clear on what we really want
To unveil the David inside of me, I started developing a picture of him in my mind. How I do this is to regularly clarify what is important to me. I literally write down the answer to this question: “What do I want in this situation?” Far too often I have found myself doing things that I actually didn’t want to do. I tried to impress others. Tried to get their approval.
I ask this question about relationships, how I spend my time, what I read, where I work. Everything. I try to remind myself every day: This is not one day more in my life, it is one day less. It’s not an easy path, I get lost sometimes. But I always find my way back.
By sharing with others what we really want
Developing a mental picture of my personal David is the starting point. But then I have to get to work. I actually have to ask for the things I want. I have to put myself on the line. I have to do this at work in a meeting with all eyes on me. I have to do this in my relationship and with my family about things I really care about. And it’s scary sometimes.
But there is something really magical that happens when I start putting myself out there and I get appreciated for the person I am and what I really want. Not the fake persona I claim to be.
It opens a completely new layer of connection with others. Because now true rejection becomes possible. I learned that if I play games with others, I might have fun for a while but I don’t get any further to that David. It’s more like I’m still standing in the line to the museum.
The journey
Unveiling David is a balance of both shaping and getting shaped. By getting clear on what we want we see the essential, our David. By sharing with the world who we truly are we do the actual chiseling. We remove the inessential. And as this happens in public, others can see our work and we can truly connect with others about what they see. This allows us to see ourselves clearer and the cycle repeats.
Failing at this exam over ten years ago gave me a first glimpse of what my personal David looked like. Now it is my responsibility to further unveil him.
What does your David look like? I would be happy to meet him.
